Paisley's Story

Dear Paisley, You were supposed to arrive on September 17th, and because Mommy is an obsessive planner and was going to be in school, I had it all worked out to get as much school in as possible before you were born. But September 17th came and went, and you were still inside my very large tummy! Because I was not dilated AT ALL, the doctor said he would not induce me until the 26th. I may or may not have cried in the office when he told me that. Your GiGi was already out here to help me when you were born, and she was supposed to leave on the 28th. So, Mommy kept on going to school, and we changed GiGi's flight for a week later. I tried everything to get you to come, including jumping on a trampoline (not a good idea for a weak bladder). But you were just taking your sweet time! On Sunday night, the 23rd, Mommy's contractions were getting pretty intense and very close together. We went to the hospital and I was still not dilated at all. They decided to monitor me for a few hours because your heart rate went down a little. While they were monitoring, I had a really horrible contraction that caused my water to break. I was so excited because that meant that they had to keep me and I would get to see you soon! They checked me in, and I told them I wanted my epidural right away because my contractions were really painful. They got that in pretty easily, and I started to feel really good and was excited to get some sleep! However, about two hours later, I started hurting pretty badly. Pretty soon, I was in a lot of pain. The anesthesiologist gave me a few more doses, but nothing was helping. It got so bad that we decided to take the epidural out and try a new one. The new one worked for about an hour, and then Mommy was in some of the worst pain of her life. You were so far down that the nurse told me you would be crowning if I were fully dilated...which I was not. I was at a five at that point, and I was kind of losing my mind from all the pain I was in. They did not know why I was feeling everything, and they told me they could not give me any more medicine. Luckily your dad was there to try and keep me calm. After about 20 hours, I was finally at an 8. I was excited because I thought you would be coming soon. However, four hours later, and I was stuck at an 8 with no progress and your heart started to decelerate. The doctor came in and told me I would need a C-section. I was really scared, but at the same time just so ready to get you out and be done with the pain. They finally gave me some other medicine to numb me up (which I don't know why I couldn't have had that earlier), and they wheeled me back to the OR. Within a few minutes I heard the most precious cry I have ever heard. Immediately I was in tears of happiness knowing that my little miracle baby was finally here. It was a few minutes before I could see you, and hours before I could hold you, but when I did see your beautiful face I knew that all of the hard times throughout my pregnancy were more than worth it. I have never felt such intense and instant love in my life, and that love as only continued to grow each day. I am so glad to have you in my life, Paisley. You are my greatest blessing, and I thank Heavenly Father everyday for allowing me to be your Mommy. I love you always and forever. xoxo Mommy

FINALLY...we found a house!

Seth and I have been searching for a house either to build/buy for months! It has been seriously so frustrating, and we had almost given up hope on finding one, much less before little Paisley comes into our lives. However, by some miracle we have found a house that will be ready for us to move into before she gets here! We were out driving around one day and noticed a neighborhood being built in north Provo (kind of behind the Walmart in Orem for those of you who know where that is). We drove in and noticed a sign with a number on it which we called to set up an appointment to walk through a house in the development. By this point, we were not very optimistic, but figured we might as well give it a shot. When we walked through the framed house we loved it and loved the price and included upgrades even more. I asked the guy when we could move in expecting him to tell me November or December, but he surprised me and told me he this particular house was scheduled to be done in a month! I was sold. Then, we went the same day and picked out all of the colors and such and wrote out a check, and voila! We have a house :)It is going to be three stories, but the basement is unfinished. There are 3 bedrooms upstairs and 2.5 baths and in the basement we will eventually add 2 more bedrooms, a bathroom and a huge rec room. It has a pretty big backyard which we are excited to use for many cookouts to come next summer. It's also in a cul-de-sac which I really like. It's going to be iron grey hardyboard siding with white accents, and the inside will be tiled and carpeted with granite counter tops. Although I am probably most excited about the huge walk in closet and separate tub and shower because for those of you who know me I am an avid bubble bather :) We are so excited to have finally found a home where we can raise our little girl and are feeling BLESSED beyond belief. P.s. Pictures to come soon... P.p.s. Come September anyone who is able and willing to help us move would be greatly appreciated considering I will be ready to pop at any moment and will unlikely be any help :)

Lessons Learned from Paisley...

This post is personal, but I want to make sure I remember the things that I have learned from my little girl already even though she hasn't even been born yet. The past six months have been some of the most trying times in my life, but I am really grateful that I have experienced them and am even more grateful for things that I have learned through my trials. These are just a few of the lessons I've learned so far. 1. I can do hard things. If someone were to have told me that I would have to endure the horrible sickness and pain that I have gone through while being pregnant all while trying to keep my grades up and finish nursing school, I would have told them I could never do it. This pregnancy has taught me that I am stronger than I think and that through help from loved ones and a loving Heavenly Father I can do hard things. 2. My Heavenly Father knows me and listens to my prayers. I think God gave me this hardship to teach me to rely on Him in all things I do. I have never felt closer to Him than I have while being pregnant. When I was so depressed and thought I couldn't make it through another day, it was He who comforted me and lifted my spirit. It is crazy that now that I have felt so much better for the past few weeks, I have noticed myself already forgetting how low I felt and how much He helped me. I am trying my hardest to remember that spiritual lessons I've learned and keep them close to my heart. I know God listens to our prayers. I know He cares for us and knows each one of us individually. I am so grateful for the comfort that knowledge has brought to me in my life. 3. There are wonderful people in this world. There are so many people who helped me so much throughout this time. It makes me emotional every time I think of those of you who talked with me, cried with me, prayed for me, and offered acts of service towards me. Although there is certainly a lot of evil in the world, I know there is also a whole lot of good. And I've been blessed to have the best of the best people as my friends and family. 4. I married the perfect person for me. Words cannot describe how grateful I am that I married Seth. Throughout all of this, he has been so incredible. From programming my feeding tube, to making me smile when I didn't think I remembered how, to washing my hair when I was too weak to do it, to loving me more than I thought possible, he is the greatest man I know. I am so happy that I will have him by my side helping me to raise Paisley. I couldn't have asked for a better guy. I love him more and more each day and am so happy he's mine. 5. Being skinny isn't everything. I don't talk about this much, but throughout my life I have struggled off and on with an eating disorder. Luckily I have had an amazing support system that has helped me through the worst parts of it, but I was very worried about getting pregnant and "getting fat." Being so sick I actually did the opposite for a while and got really skinny because I couldn't eat. I remember thinking I must have been insane to have ever wished that upon myself. It actually helped me to realize that being healthy is so much more important than being thin. Now that I am doing so much better and am gaining weight, it has been hard for me and I admit I don't look at the scale at my appointments. However, I have realized that I am more than willing to have my body change in order to get this sweet little girl here. 6. I owe my mom so much. This experience has made me so much more grateful that I have such a wonderful woman as my mom. I remember when I was feeling extremely horrible, calling her and apologizing for being such a brat sometimes growing up. She is the most selfless person I know, and her love and support have been invaluable to me this past year. I am so grateful that I have had such an amazing example in my life of how to be a wonderful mother. I hope and pray I can do even half the job she has done with my own children. 7. Being a mom will be my greatest blessing. Words cannot describe how much I love this little girl already. It is nuts to think how much I love her without ever even seeing her. It is the most humbling thing to know that I will be given this sweet angel to look over and raise. The sense of responsibility overwhelms me at times, but I know that by staying in tune with the Holy Spirit and trying my hardest I will be able to be the best mom I can be. I won't be perfect, but I guarantee I will love that little girl with all of my heart. I already feel like I know her little personality, and I am so excited to look into her face and see a little piece of heaven on earth. All of the hard times I've gone through will seem unimportant when I can finally hold her in my arms, and I am SO excited to be able to do that! There are many more things I have learned, and I am sure I will continue to learn more and more each day as a mom. I hope this didn't come off too cheesy or personal, but I really wanted to make sure I remember these important lessons, and I am horrible at keeping a journal, so this was my best bet. Thanks again for all of you who have helped me along the way. I am so grateful to be feeling so much better, and I am even more excited to be a mommy :)

BABY UPDATE

So after two more trips to the hospital to get fluids, my doctors decided it was time for a feeding tube. I haven't been able to keep water or food down for over a week, so we are hoping it will give me energy to keep going! They were able to do an ultrasound a little baby is doing great. She (I'm positive it's going to be a girl) is just taking whatever she needs from me, and I'm so grateful for that! Now we just have to make sure she still has enough to take hence the feeding tube. So I'm going to write what it was like to have the tube placed...if you get grossed out easy I'd skip over this part. Basically it was the worst experience of my life. They take a couple feet of tubing and stuff it down your nose through your throat and all the way into your intestines. Let's just say I was choking and coughing up blood/vomit for ten excruciatingly long minutes. I don't recommend it to anyone, but if it is what keeps me and baby kicking, I was willing to do it! So now home health has come by and set my pump up, and I'm getting some mush through my tube that will hopefully perk me up within the next few days. I never realized before how much I took for granted being healthy. I would seriously give anything to be able to go for a run or a swim or even be able to drink a big glass of ice water! At least this is not a permanent thing. I have to try and keep perspective so I don't get too depressed. Thank you so much for all of the prayers! I truly think that has made all of the difference!

Baby Merrill!

Yep. You read it right. Seth and I are expecting a little one this September! I know you are supposed to wait until twelve weeks to announce it, but there a couple reasons why I decided to announce it earlier. Number one, I have a huge mouth and am a horrible secret keeper. Number two, this pregnancy has been so hard on me. At six weeks I was already barely keeping anything down. Now, at nine weeks I have already had to make two trips to the hospital to get an IV because I was so dehydrated. I have lost eleven pounds in one week. I haven't been able to keep any food down in four days, and even ice chips are a struggle. My doctor has put me on every medicine he can, and it still isn't keeping me from throwing up upwards of thirty times a day. I was expecting my pregnancy to be rough, but I had no idea how much of a trial it would be for me. It is really easy to get depressed when you feel the sickest you have ever felt in your life...especially when you know you will most likely feel that way for months. I have truly had to rely on my Heavenly Father to help me make it through this. Without Him, I don't think I would make it. Of course there are many other people who have been such a help to me through this hard time. Firstly, Seth. Thank you for being so patient and kind. Thank you for cleaning the house without being asked, for sitting in the ER with me when you had work to do, for fetching me cool wash cloths and medicine. You are my rock, and I wouldn't want to begin this journey into parenthood with anyone else. To my mom. Thank you for listening to me cry for hours on end everyday about how hard this is. Your compassion is inspiring. I wish we lived closer, but I find it incredible that I have such a close relationship with you although you are far away. Amber, thanks for listening and bringing me food (it was worth a shot!) and a movie when Seth was away. It really helped lift me up. Whitney. Thank you for driving all the way down to Provo and bringing me my pregnancy survival kit! You are such a good friend, and I am so grateful for you in my life! And to everyone else who has kept me in their prayers thank you so much!!! I'm meeting with a high risk pregnancy specialist tomorrow, so if you can, please pray that the doctor will be inspired as to how to help me. I really need to make it through this semester, and this appointment has given me hope that I will be able to. Although this has been by far the biggest trial in my life thus far, I am so excited to be a mom! I am grateful for the blessing of being able to do so, and I can't wait for the adventure to begin!

Our 1 year anniversary!

Seth and I have now been married a year! Seems so crazy to think it's been that long already! I guess time flies when you're having fun, right? It has truly been the best year of my life, and I am so excited to think of all the wonderful times we have ahead of us! Since this is an anniversary post, I get to be a little gushy and no one can get annoyed at me for it, so I'm taking advantage of the opportunity! I am so so grateful that I have Seth in my life. He is seriously my very best friend. It is so nice to know that I ALWAYS have him to come home to and tell him all about my day. I love falling asleep and waking up next to him. I love that when I get mad he always knows how to make me laugh and forget why I was ever upset. I love the way he always teases me and picks on me ( most of the time, anyways!). I love that he works hard to take care of me. I love that he sees the good in everyone. I love that he has never raised his voice at me and that he always treats me kindly. I love how safe he makes me feel. I love that he is a genuinely good guy that would help anyone out. I love how supportive he is of my efforts in school. I love how sweet he is to my baby niece and nephew and how I know he will make a great daddy someday. You get the idea. I just LOVE him. Ok, that's enough mushy gushy to last me a year, but I needed to put it out there! So, holidays are a big deal to me. Not so much to Seth. So I was a little nervous he wasn't planning anything special for our anniversary. But I shouldn't have worried because he went all out. After my half marathon Saturday morning I kept asking Seth what we were going to do that night to celebrate, and he acted like he had no idea. Needless to say I was annoyed. But then he told me to pack a bag with cute clothes and get in the car to go to our "activity." I quickly hurried over to my friend Diana's house to raid her closet for a cute dress and we headed off. I had no idea where we were going, and I almost always figure these things out. We ended up pulling into this super cute place called Homestead Resort where Seth had reserved a room for us to stay the night. It was so beautiful, and I was so excited. They also have this place called the crater which is a natural hot spring in this huge crater that we got to go swimming in. It was so cool! Then, we got prettied up and headed into Park City to go to an Italian restaurant for dinner. The food was really good, and we left feeling very full. Then we rented a movie and went back to the room for the night. The next morning, I woke up deathly ill. I won't go into details, but I have never been so violently sick in my life. It was awful. I don't know if it was the food or a virus, but on our actual anniversary I was so sick. Seth was sweet and took care of me, and I feel much better today. But there is nothing like being sick on your anniversary to make it memorable! I was just so glad that we were able to enjoy Seth's cute date the night before without me being sick. Despite the sickness, it was a great anniversary :)


In the garden before dinner

Seth at the restaurant that could or could not have made me the sickest I've been in my life haha

Me at dinner :)

Babies...and no I'm not pregnant!

So recently I have been thinking a lot about babies. Ok, so I'm lying I have always thought a lot about babies. Particularly Seth and my babies. I imagine what they'll look like, if they'll be boy or girl, blonde or bald, brown eyes or green. I wonder if they will grow into more reserved, logical people like Seth, or impulsive and hyper like me. I wonder if they will like sports or by some miracle be musical. I wonder how it will feel to be pregnant and feel tiny kicks from inside, little reminders of the miracle growing within me. If you haven't noticed I am not only baby hungry, I am baby STARVING! But Seth and I have both agreed that I need to finish school before we start having babies of our own. I know it's the right thing to do for us (particularly for my sanity), but it is so hard! And it is only getting worse the longer we've been married. It's embarrassing, honestly. It is not unusual for me to start crying in church when I see a pregnant lady or a new mom. Or just a Gerber's commercial. It has become a sort of joke between Seth and I, but let's be honest it's just pathetic. Admitting you have a problem is the first step though, right? Oh well. In the meantime I will just daydream about when I can finally be a mom. Just for kicks let's play pretend.


Let's say this is my little boy. And let's say his name is Boston Seth Merrill.

OR


I have a little girl, Ansley Grace Merrill. And yes my little girl will be in pearls before she can walk!

Ok, so let's be real. I hope my babies are that cute! But make believe children are not going to satisfy my need to hold and spoil a cute little baby. I guess I'll just keep on spoiling my perfect little niece and nephew! They are the only reason I can hold out til graduation! Love them so much!